Backdoor sex?

French guy admited to me that he's had threesomes. We text each other all the time...mostly talking dirty via SMS. Funny thing is we've never done it. He goes on and on about how he wants me to "suck him dry" and keeps begging me to have him stick it in my ass. I may be a prude, but come on is he serious? How about I buy a dildo and stick it up his ass?! I mean, I'm open to a lot of things, things I haven't experienced. There are two things I just can't get myself to do. 1) Have some guy back door me and 2) Have sex with another girl, regardless of threesome fantasies. I realized I'm not going to go far with this guy and that I should use his sexual experience to give me some experience. I want him to teach me how to do it and do it right. We were getting hot and heavy on wednesday and while he's sucking on my tits and petting me heavily, his hand begins to wander towards my anus. That's when I pulled the breaks and told him I wasn't comfy with that Idea. I guess this put him off and he just wanted to go to sleep. This is what's going to happen. I'm not going to text him or talk to him as much....maybe only see him once this week if that. He acts like he doesn't need someone, yet all he ever wants to do is cuddle. Funny thing is, I don't understand why he's still around. I mean, it's not like we've ever done anything. He's gotten to second base at most, never any penetration. I'm available, but not emotionally available. He text me "are you mad?" today, because I refused to see him yesterday. It's all fun and games now. In the meantime, I went on another date with Polish guy #2 on sunday. Don't know why I got all dolled up, I wasn't even attracted to him to begin with. He works for the same company, just a different department. He's nice, he tried to hold my hand while we were walking around the streets of new york after we ate at some cute little french restaurant. One thing's for sure. I think the french infatuation is fading. Thank God.

Lost in Men

Since my breakup I've been lost. Keeping myself busy with dating, sex, and binge drinking. Doesn't sound healthy. I woke up this morning thinking a little bit more clearly. There's points in my life where see the road so clearly and other times where I'm just lost in a haze. At this point in my life I need to take control and wheather the "storm". I need a game plan. I need to be able to control my emotions, and charter them to make me productive. I shouldn't have to rely on men to keep me occupied. I want certain things in life, and I need to figure out how i'm going to get myself together. I realized, I'm looking for a man to fill a void of having my boyfriend of eight years. Here's the plan. I'm going to concentrate and pass my license. Then I'm going to look for another job doing what I love best, finance portfolio managing. I'm going to learn to speak french and go to Paris for a month between jobs. "Just do it"~my motivating statement. I've got nothing to loose and no one to stop me...what am I waiting for? If a man happens to come along, then it'll happen. Guys are so emotionally unavailable, I can't wait for someone to feel for me or get me where I need to be in life. If I want something, I have to get it myself. This is going to be fun and a challenge.

Mr. French Guy

I went on a date with Finance guy and that was okay. Met at this swanky place Patroon on 42nd and then went to dinner followed by more drinks. He's cute, put together, and into baseball. We played nintendo at his place. No worries, we didn't do anything. I left before it got serious. Besides, I knew I had another date to go to the following day. I'm keeping myself occupied and hoping not to set myself me up for anything serious, even though deep inside I do want something more stable. So I go on my next date with Polish #2 and find out he works for the same company as I do. He's decent not too cute, maybe a 5 out of 10. He's a nice guy. So we talk over wine and beer at a local pub in east village and I cut it short cuz French guy is texting me. Yes I said it "French Guy" is sorta back in the picture but not really in the picture. I realized that he's okay being by himself, if not he prefers it. There are so many women in NYC that's after his money, he can't seem to trust anyone. He considers everyone an "aquiantance". He asked me to come over the other night when I was on a date with Finance guy. He then text me "are you on a date?", and I completely ignore him. The next night when I was with polish #2 he text me again. He wanted me to come over. I cut my date short to head over to French guy's apartment. He doesn't answer the door, even though I know he's home. The firemen that responded to the building's fire alarm were asking me to hang out with them, which was flattering but not okay. So I proceed to try and get in touch with him to have him open the door. After 20 minutes I'm pissed. I bang on his door, refusing to leave because he told me to come out and see him and he finally answers the door. He was in his sound studio and couldn't hear a thing. He's talking about how women are so exagerate and how they are so needy always wanting someone to be around them, wanting them, making them feel special. With as much truth there is to that, I quickly dismiss it telling him not all women are like. He's tired of women chasing him for his money...I can see it in his eyes. He's a successful guy worth millions, I can't blame him for being that way. So I tell him I just got out of a really long relationship and not really looking for anything like that. I need some space from long relationships. I need to find myself, know that it's okay not to be with someone, and really just really be independent. So I find out French guy is really kinky. We start fooling around and he asked me to give him Head. I was like "i'm not giving you head" until I get an orgasm. That's right, I said it. This isn't going to be one of those moments where I'm doing all the grunt work only to find that I'm not getting an orgasm. You see, French guy is used to getting what he wants...but I really don't give a shit. I have my needs and my needs to be fulfilled. So we stop doing what we're doing cuz he's too tired to keep going. Wondering if he's got some sex issues. I don't think he can satisfy a woman. Not really sure, but he keeps avoiding it. So I tell him the deal. I'm at work and he text me "can you suck me dry"....he love's talking dirty. I text him "not until I cum". He text me "whatever". So obviously he's looking to get satisfied without reciprocation, which isn't okay with me. I text him "whatever yes or whatever no". Still hasn't responded. Anyhoo, now I'm giving him space. He has to know it's not okay. I confident with myself enough to know that I need to be satisfied. So that's where I'm at. I know my obsession with French guy is fading, but it's still there. Not really sure if I'm just trying to keep busy because I don't want to be bored. He is Mr. Big from sex and the city. The only thing that confuses me is that he loves to cuddle. If he really didn't need anyone, then why is he cuddling with me all the time. He loves the company and I see it. Why are women and men so different? Can he really be that into himself, or are there just some underlying insecurities that cause him to act in such a way?

Mr. Lawyer guy

I don't know what is going on with me, but I've been partying it up like there's no tomorrow. Thursday night, I went out with the guy I met at the club last saturday. Had a really thick Brooklyn accent...kinda different but okay. He's been texting me since the club, and now wants to make plans to see each other on friday. Anyhoo, I must have drank a lot that night because I showed up to work still hungover on Friday. By the time my hangover went away, my coworkers convinced me for another round of non stop drinking at this local bar in midtown. $20 all you can drink in three hours was a pretty good deal. I'm partying the night away only to find myself gearing up for "The Hunt" on saturday. It's a giant preppy tail gait that happens out in Jersey. We were drinking from morning till night. I completely passed out at a friends house. Today was pretty mellow. Lawyer guy texted me and wanted to make plans to see each other tonight. He's working late on sunday, but wants to see me after. He insist that I take him out this time. I don't understand why a guy who makes 150K+ a year wants me to take him out on a date. Can anyone explain this to me? I mean we don't really have much of a relationship. We've slept together and I'm pretty sure he knows there's not much going on between the two of us aside from the casual sex that we have. Why bother with all this other nonsense? Then I started thinking...could it be that he thinks this is going somewhere? I've seen him every weekend since we um...hooked up. Maybe he thinks we're really dating? I'm not sure what's going on, but i'll go with the flow for now. I know he's going to want to hook up tonight. It's late and i'm tired, would it be too much to ask if I were to sleep over? I don't want to bring my stuff like I'm expecting to sleepover...but then again...we are sleeping together...how much of an impossition would it be to stay till morning? Honestly, the last thing I want is to wake up and have to go home then go to work. Maybe I'll wear something tonight, that I can go to work in tomorrow...hmm...that's an idea. I'm going to dig a little deeper today. Btw...i've got three potential dates lined up next week. First guy the Director maybe on wednesday. Second guy is Mr. Finance, seeing him on tuesday. Then there's club guy on friday that I've mentioned before. I still don't have plans for the weekend. I usually try to fill up my weekends...not sure what or who I'm going to see. And yes, I'm still hung up on French guy. Miss him.

Good Bye French Guy

Okay it's been a day and still no response or any effort to contact me. I've been misserable all day. Whinning and complaining about how he's not getting back to me. I've even texted him "dissapeared?" and still nothing. What ever, call me neurotic but I couldn't take the hard blow to my ego. If I don't hear from him all week, then forget it. I'm going to miss being cuddled. I don't understand why I'm so worked up about this. I've known him for a week. A week ago, I couldn't have cared less if I ever even met him. I'm so quick to attach myself to someone. So I went online and started the entire process all over again. I'm trying to fill up my social callendar. I emailed this guy who lives in Astoria and he wants to meet up. I believe I'm going to call him Director. French guy should have been called "Mr. Big" referencing sex in the city's Mr. Big. Completely unattainable! I think I was in love with him cuddling, being able to talk about finance, his penthouse, arrogance, drive, and height. Aside from that, I really don't think It would have gone far. I'm secretly hoping he calls me, but then moving on to see what else is out there. I'm making plans with the Director as I write this blog, going to happy hour with some friends on thursday, then meeting up with the guy I met at the club. On friday, I'm going out with coworkers one of which is guess bar tending at a local pub in Midtown followed by a all girl slumber party at my Co-workers apartment in Hoboken. On saturday, I'm hanging out with some other friends and going to some horse race preppy tail gait "The Hunt" in NJ. Then I'm going to study for my securities license on Sunday. I think I should do a search on Finance guys, that way we'll always have something in common. You see when I go out with the Lawyer, we really don't have much to talk about except our social life. Can't really get into an intellectual conversation about what's going on with the markets, what type of investments are good for the momment, etc... I'm really frustrated, and pissed he didn't call. Now it's time to move on.

The Game II

Okay, I was a good girl and didn't call or text French guy all weekend. I get a text today, saying "dissapeared?" I go on to comment about how hectic my weekend has been and that I got a lot done. He then text me "waiting for you to come c me!" and I text back "sorry sweetie. How about tomorrow? I've got a date with my gym tonight". It's was killing me to write the text. I wanted to go see him, but like I mentioned before I have my red week this week. How sexy would that be? He doesn't text me back, I called him 2.5 hours after the last text, but he doesn't answer my call or text. What the heck?! I'm not sure what to make of this. He's driving me insane. He's the one who's suppose to go bananas not me. When I'm out with other guys, all I do is think of him. I don't want him to think that I'm at his beck and call and he can have me whenever he wants. But it seems like that has backfired. Or maybe he's still playing the game. He's so used to getting what he wants. Unfortunately, I still feel like he needs to know I have my own life. He mentioned how he likes independent women, well I'm being independent. I've scheduled to start working out with my girl friend, hanging out with my friends on friday and sat and going to the Opera with my other good friend next week. Am I doing this wrong? I know he's annoyed that I picked the gym over him. Well I tried texting and calling. That's all I'm doing for now...I'm not calling him till he calls me. I made the effort to try and reschedule. It's a little push and pull. He needs to meet me at least half way. He had the opportunity to call or text me all weekend, why is he putting it out there like I'm the one who's been ignoring him? I'm used to being on the other side, the one who's being pursued. I'm not backing down, I give a little, now he needs to give a little. I'm not playing tug of war with him or my emotions. I'm so frustrated.

What drives a man?

Today I had another date with the Lawyer. He text me yesterday, and make plans to see Body of Lies with Leonardo di Caprio. I haven't talked to him since our last date, a week ago when we had sex at his place and Polish guy over hears everything through the phone. So we're watching a movie and he starts getting touchy feely, holding my hand, kissing me on my head and lips, small signs of affection. He's looking cute in his sandals, cargo shorts and northface jacket. Today mother nature droped by and gave me her monthly present, so I knew I things weren't going to go far with this date. We grab a pizza to eat and hang out at his place. I'm sure he's thinking he's going to get some tonight. We're hanging out and he starts to kiss my neck, says we should hang out in his room because it's cooler. We're laying there on his bed and he starts to make out with me, touching my breast and thighs, slowly pressing his body towards mine. He's a great kisser. I knew what he wanted. We have this raw chemistry between us. Either that or I'm just really horny. We're making out kissing and he starts to do pet me in the "area". I didn't want to just come out and say "oh no can't do that, i'm on my red day". How gross is that?! So I keep telling him that I'm too sick from this cold and tired from my weekend. He's very persistent, to the point where he tells me "you don't have to do much, just lay there". How romantic! I keep telling him no, but can't help but kiss him back. He tries to stop himself, but then picks right back up where he left off. Constantly trying to get in my pants, grabbing my ass, telling me he likes my lace undies. Then he leads my hand to his privates. That's when I knew, he wasn't going to stop and the only thing that could stop the situation from happening is me leaving. So I tell him that I have to go, and he's begging me to stay. Talk about booty call. Oh whatever, I'm not that into him relationship wise so I don't take offense. I wish I didn't have my period, that way I could have gotten some and that would have post poned me thinking about the French guy all week.

The Game

I don't understand why women of New York are forced to play a game with the men they're involved with. I can't stop thinking about French guy, all I want to do is call him or text him, but I hold myself back from over doing it. Told myself this friday not to call or text him. Let him make the move. I want him to think, I've got a life outside our rondevou sleepovers. He mentioned in passing that he likes women who are independent. I'm going to take up pilates, study for my license on sundays, and take up some other sport to keep myself busy. I can't stop thinking about our last meeting. I went to victoria's to buy some flattering undies, slept over his place (without sex), and cuddled all night long. The last thing he tells me is "bye baby, have fun at work". I don't want to end up being the girl he just cuddles with. Then again, winter is comming around and I'm looking for someone to hybernate with. Wait, I don't even think he's going to be here this winter. He said he goes to Miami for the winter. It's funny how after seeing him for the first time, I didn't think there was attraction, now I can't stop thinking about him. He's very well dressed, tall, slightly handsome and confident about everything he says. So this is how I'm going to play the game. I'm not going to call until he calls me. I'm not going to give in to having sex until our seventh meeting. I'm going to keep our conversations light, mostly about finance (something we have in common). I'm going to do some subtle flirting. Keep buying nice undies, smell great, dress well, and keep myself in shape. I didn't get waxed down there for nothing! Appear to be available, but never be available. The goal is to make him go bananas. In the meantime I'm going to keep myself busy with dating, exercise, studying and sports. Speaking of dating, I'm seeing Lawyer guy again today and I met another guy at some club last night exchange phone numbers. This is going to be fun!

Challenge him or give in?

I canceled my date with the Cop because french guy wanted to hang out and cuddle some more. I meet him at his place and all we do is watch TV and make fun of the people on there. I'm not sure what he's getting at. He knows I'm sleeping over again, but we haven't had sex. It's weird, he wants me to hang out, sleep over and not have sex. I swear to you, I wanted to rip his clothes off the momment I walked in the door of his fabulous penthouse apartment. I play it safe and just act like a prude. He tells me that he's had a few girls just sleep over in the past and most he's never had sex with. For some odd reason, he plays it in between. He fools around and touches me in a flirtatious way, but doesn't want to do it. It's driving me insane. He tellls me I'm such a good catholic girl, who's not kinky and I think he's into it. I don't understand. He's cute, super smart, tall, handsome, and definitely has his life in order. He's got an amazing lifestyle. Travels every three months to europe and other parts of the world. Has a crazy penthouse apartment with his own rap around patio over looking a 180 degree view of the city. Makes insane amounts of money, in the same industry as me and can talk for hours about things I'm interested in. The only thing that bothers me, yet turns me on is that he's completely arrogant, opinionated sometimes a dick. I'm not sure what to make of it. I really like him, but not sure how to get him. I don't want to just sleep with him. I want to keep him around a little longer to find out if there's real potential to have a relationship with him. I figured, I'm not going to call or text him all weekend, even though I really want to. I'll let him work for it a little. I hate playing games, but men and women have been playing these games for centuries. Granted, there are certain relationships where things just fall into place, but this isn't one of them. We're both looking for a challenge, but not over the top where the other just doensn't seem interested. It's funny because we'll go to bed and all I wear is his t shirt and my undies and all he'll wear is his boxers, yet we're not having sex. I can't wait till then. In the meantime, I got my legs waxed and am scheduling to get a landing strip bikini wax. Figured, have to keep things nice and tidy down there. Scared of the pain I'm going to endure. Maybe I'll take a vicodine before my waxing tommorow. Do guys like it brazillian or do they prefer a little hair down there? Should I give this guy a challenge or just give in completely? Things are on fast forward so I don't want to rush it and have him get tired of me or worse, vice versa. I would like a guys perspective on this if possible.

Infatuation

What a week/weekend it's been. On friday I went out with Lawyer guy and we all know how that went. Then Sunday came around and I went out with French guy. Omg...the guy is extremely loaded. French guy who had blown me off three dates in a row before meeting me decided to email me while he was in Europe and made plans to meet when he came back to the city. Show's up in his mercedes SL worth more than I make in three years. We go to dinner and he's going on and on about how he doesn't eat anything non organic. He's pretty cute 6'3'' french, and did I mention loaded. We were suppose to go out for drinks, but he quickly changes his mind and wants to have dinner. We're hanging out at his place watching TV and just cuddle...ahhh...I love cuddling. I get home only to take a shower and change to go meet the Cop on our fourth date sunday. He's so nice and so sweet. He's totaly boyfriend material. He's always hugging me, kissing my forehead and telling me how attractive I am. What girl doesn't like attention? Seven and a half years in a monogamous relationship with barely any sex made me go buck wild now that I'm dating. I sleep with the cop and it was only so so. I mean he's a really nice guy...what am I doing? He calls for a car at 5 in the morning so I can make it home, shower and change to get to work by 830. I proceed to work 11.5 hours and next thing you know, french guy wants to see me afte work. OMG, where do I get the energy to date back to back? I hang out with french guy afterwork till the next morning, and all he wants to do is cuddle. He's sarcastic, opinionated, and definitely gets his way all the time. We cuddle all night and before I know it i'm sleeping at his place. No worries...all he wants to do is cuddle...thank God...I really didn't have energy to do anything else. I'm torn, I have to imagine that these guys are doing exactly what I'm doing...so I shouldn't feel bad about having a little fun catching up on everything i've missed out on the past several years. Online dating is definitely time consuming. It doensn't matter who's asking who out...everyone wants a second, third or fourth date. It's always "lets go out for drinks, then they quickly change their minds and trick you to grabbing dinner, more drinks and then coffee. I'm beggining to see a pattern. I think I'm torn between the Cop who's super sweet and nice and French guy who's totaly cute, challenging and well off. Hmm... what do do? Great as i'm writing this blog...the cop said he's taking some time off to see me tommorow and French guy text as I'm making plans. I'm definitely curious as to how this is going to pan out...i have to remember to turn my phone off when I'm on a date. Last thing I need is to have my phone call either one of them while I'm with the other.

Good Bye Polish Guy

Okay so a lot has happened since the last blog. I went on a date with a lawyer...totally hot body, definite potential. He graduated from a top ivy and went to a top law school, he's around my age and he's tall. I know I made a note to self not to sleep with a guy on the second date, but I just couldn't help myself. So I go up to this guys appartment and we have drinks, watch a little tv and start making out. In the mean time my iphone is in my purse. I go to grab my tiny purse and didn't realize that my phone called Polish guy. He listens in on my conversation/makeout session with the lawyer for 40 minutes. We start fooling around and one thing leads to another and we start having sex at his apartment. He has a really nice body, chisseled, tanned and toned. We wake up every three hours to do it again. It was good but not as good as polish guy. Little did I know Polish guy is listening in on the whole thing. I'm walking the walk of shame the following morning, and get a text from Polish guy saying that he knows I was out the night before and it sounded like I was having a great time. He then proceeds to text me how I wasn't being honest and that I got caught. I'm completely in panick. I start thinking about the rules, what are the rules to online dating? I automatically assume that if you're on the site, you more than likely dating other people. We never had the "i'm exclusive" talk with Polish guy, so I don't understand why he's so upset. Maybe talking to him every day wasn't a good idea, led him to believe that we were serious. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do. I don't think he's ever going to call me. I'm going to miss our conversations. We talk for at least 30 minutes to an hour every day. I might be going crazy. I've never been single before I might be going a little over the top with the whole online dating thing. I'm dating all these guys, but feel only a few have real potential of being a boyfriend. So I'm seeing where this goes. I'm sad that Polish guy isn't going to be around.